Profound.

A coworker was complaining to me about how a guy she was talking to, who she hasn't seen in about two weeks, told a mutual friend "Yeah, we talk all the time!" when the mutual friend asked the dude if he was still talking to her.

She said "Guys are so dumb...we haven't hung out in like two weeks. I guess it shows that no, they aren't thinking about us..."

I stated, offhandedly "Or maybe they're like dogs and just have a different idea of time..."

She was speechless for a couple seconds and said "Wow...that's good..."

Overheard in Wrigleyville.

Guy 1 - "...yeah, I bought her a pack of cigarettes..."

Guy 2 (apparent friend) - "Why did you do that?!"

Guy 1 - "Well, she was paying for our drinks all night..."

Guy 2 - "Oh.  Yeah...I guess..."

Sigh.  Chivalry, where art thou?

Closing thoughts.

April, and my pledge to blog every day, comes to an end today, which means you probably won't hear from me for about a week or so.  I'll act as if this was totally taxing when it really isn't.  If I had blogging standards or high expectations for my blog content it might be taxing, but since I was clearly about quantity over quality I really have nothing to bitch about.

Oh wait!  I do have something to bitch about, but it's not blogging related.

I'm starting to think that if a guy is in a relationship he should have to wear some type of visible marker letting all the single women he comes in contact with know that he is, technically, not available.  Sure, girlfriends are not wives, but if you are a God-fearing woman like me, the presence of a girlfriend makes a man unavailable.  One would think relationships could be easily discarded, but when a man lives in Chicago and is over the age of 30, he's generally cohabitating.  Their relationship might be horrible and loveless and could now be a relationship of convenience/laziness, but cohabitating makes it challenging to get out of.  There are usually possessions to split and custody arrangements to draft up over pets, Wii's, or flat-screen televisions.  That shit takes a lot of effort and energy and is probably the reason why so many people are in bad relationships.  Or maybe I'm just ASSUMING many guys are in bad relationships since some of them spend a good couple hours seemingly flirting with you to only FINALLY mention the fact that they are in a relationship right before they ask you for your phone number so you can give them career advice.

Did you see Inglorious Basterds?  By the way, that movie title is awful because I have a hard time spelling things improperly on purpose, but I digress.  You know how they mark people?  I'm not thinking anything drastic like that, but you know.  Along those lines.

Flirting is good for the soul.

Chicken soup might be what you reach for if you have the sniffles or are feeling generally under-the-weather, but there are few remedies for melancholy as effective as a day spent flirting with a handsome stranger.

February always gets a bad rap for being one of the worst months of the year, but I tend to find that March sucks a lot of light and energy out of me.  I can't pinpoint an exact reason, I think it's just my own lunar/mayan/mythical calendar (I have no idea where mythical fits in, the word just came to me so I'm going with it).

With that being said, on Saturday, what was supposed to be a "quick drink" with a friend at the bar at the end of my street turned into several hours spent flirting and laughing with a guy who was showing some interest.  The whole thing felt more than a little foreign, as it's been a super-duper long time since someone's hit on me (that expression is so odd, no?), but wow, did it feel good.

Yes, numbers were exchanged and they may be used, however if the seven to eight hours of giggling, witty retorts, and strategic non-verbals are all that comes of it, at least it was something.

Those ads were SuperBORING.

I liked the actual game, as I was rooting for the Saints due to the fact I am a sports socialist, but man...the commercials were, overall, very LAME.  Not only were they lame, but I found them problematic in the sense that they were showing all these emasculated men who were acting like they are just at the beck-and-call of the women in their lives.

This flowchart nicely sums it up.  Am I being overly sensitive?

Yes please.

I've provided you with some samples of men who have an open invitation to my house, with the primary purpose of serenading me. Enjoy!

To satisfy my British, slightly-mountaineerish man fetish: Neil Halstead



To satisfy my tortured indie heart fetish: Greg Laswell



Also: Sufjan Stevens


Also: M. Ward


To satisfy my inner rocker girl: Brian Fallon from The Gaslight Anthem



To satisfy my desire to get religious with it: Mat Kearney



I'm positive there is more, but that's all for now. :)

Twenty-Ten, Twenty-Ten!

A friend of mine, who went through a lot of man-drama last year, decided, along with some of her other friends who went through massive man-drama (like divorces), that the slogan for 2010 is "No Men in Twenty-Ten".  I chimed in and said "Well, I didn't have any man-drama, so I'm not comfortable with that...the last thing I need to do is swear off men..." She replied "Alternatively, we also like 'Raining Men in Twenty-Ten."

Sign me up, STAT!

Flattery.

Last night as I was getting my jacket and bag out of my locker at work, one of my coworkers said "Can I tell you something without you getting offended?"  I replied, in an effort to stall time, "Well, that could be a dangerous and/or embarrassing path..." to which he replied "F*#% it, I'm an artist and pride myself in saying what I think, and we're off the clock now anyway!" As he was finishing that statement, my mind was racing, wondering "What's he going to say?!  Is he going to be rude?  Will he hurt my feelings?!"

So he states "You have one of the best white asses I've ever seen."

Wow.  It's not every day you get told your ass is one of the finest specimens of your ENTIRE RACE.

I hope this doesn't go to my head.

This is what job searching drives us to.

Cbusgrrl (4:17:54 PM): changing the subject for a brief moment...

Cbusgrrl (4:18:07 PM): I had a weird dream that I made out with John Gosselin

Cbusgrrl (4:18:10 PM): what?!

Dtownqt (4:21:14 PM): how was he?

Cbusgrrl (4:21:38 PM): not that great

Dtownqt (4:21:45 PM): was he wearing ed hardy?

Cbusgrrl (4:21:54 PM): he tried to have sex with me, but I said no

Dtownqt (4:21:57 PM): ed hardy boxer shorts?

Dtownqt (4:22:03 PM): shit...even in your dreams you are a tease.

Cbusgrrl (4:22:09 PM): I don't know about the shorts

Cbusgrrl (4:22:13 PM): I know!

Cbusgrrl (4:22:24 PM): He was still a douche in my dream

Cbusgrrl (4:22:54 PM): Kate came over and I had to hide in the closet

Dtownqt (4:26:10 PM): she will cut a bitch

Cbusgrrl (4:26:57 PM): I think the moral of the story is I need to make out

Cbusgrrl (4:27:02 PM): or more

SIDE NOTE - No, these are not our real AIM addresses, but I kinda wish they were.

"Oh hell no..." - Eharmony update #1

Okay, so as I may have mentioned, Eharmony is a lot of work. We are talking multiple choice questions, short answer questions, etc.

In an effort to personalize the Eharm experience, they allow you to either write your own short answer questions for a potential match, or you can pick from one of their pre-written questions. Some of their questions are super invasive, like "Do you prefer top, bottom, or doggie-style?" or "Lights on or lights off?"...OMG, I am kidding. I clearly channeled those questions from one to many games of "Would you rather?" in college, but seriously, they are invasive in the sense that they are questions you probably don't know the answer to, and might require 10 - 20 minutes of self-reflection to answer. It probably comes as no surprise that I hate most of these questions. I find them a bit too...eh...I dunno. OFFENSIVE?! I have never even heard your voice, what makes you think I'm going to tell you what my biggest regret in life is. Annoying.

Well, there is one pre-written question that I think is fair, and somewhat interesting. It goes: They say life is about simple pleasures, what is your simplest pleasure, and how does it make you feel?

Granted, I think the whole "how does it make you feel?" part is borderline creepy and would be difficult to define. I, for instance, love to pet dogs. I love dogs. Dogs make me happy. But "how does it make you feel?"? Shit, I don't know...happy! Is that enough or would I have to try to wax poetic about what my happiness feels like. Is it like raindrops on roses or whispers on kittens? VERBALIZE IT.

However, when I ask a potential Eharm-er this question, I am not really expecting the answer I got from Jim*. He replied:

Hmmm, well spending with my friends in my car club and our camaros.

Oh wow.

*Names disguised to protect the innocent...or ignorant. You decide.

Double standard?

So I did it. I signed up for EHarmony last Friday. I was moved to act because they were having a sale that went through the end of February (by the way, happy March. Did you say "Rabbit, rabbit, white rabbit" this morning for good luck? You should have).

I haven't really spent much time on Eharm (my pet name), navigating the rules and protocol, but I've obviously checked in to see if anyone likes me (ha!). Apparently if you want to start communicating with someone, you have to send them five questions to answer. You select these five questions out of 45 questions Eharm offers you. Then the person you send the questions to can answer them and send you their own five. Then your answers to these challenging multiple choice questions are analyzed by someone sitting in front of a computer, deciding whether or not they could possibly date someone who answers "go bowling" instead of "go bargain shopping at a local flea market" or "visit a local comedy club" when asked "Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you?". Oh sorry...did that sound snarky?!

I've been sent questions by maybe four guys, and have had "communication closed" by like six or seven. A guy can close communication if they read your profile or look at your picture and decide you are not good enough for them...I kid, I kid (but really, isn't that the truth!?). I swear, after no more than 15 hours on Eharm I already had been rejected by three guys. My poor, fragile ego...

Today I got sent an "Icebreaker". I guess an icebreaker is their way of saying they sort of maybe want to communicate with you, but selecting five questions is just way too much of a commitment at this point. The icebreaker I received said "Great pic...I'd love to see more photos!". Well...okay. I had already loaded two pictures, but I was like "I can get behind another picture", but I don't want to load up my entire Kodak Gallery, you know what I'm saying? I tend to be an alarmingly consistent picture subject, in the sense that I look really similar in almost any picture I am in (I give all the credit to Cindy Crawford for teaching me tricks on House of Style, circa like 1987). Since I'm allowed to look at his profile, I decided to check out his pictures. He has three. Is there really such a huge difference between two or three pictures? I understand the difference between two or three might be substantial in some cases, like having three arms instead of two, but two vs. three pictures? What?

When I signed up for Eharm, I decided I was going to play nice, so I loaded another picture. I thought I'd send an icebreaker back, maybe one that said "I loaded another picture!" or something more clever, but then I discover Eharm has standard icebreaker scripts, which include such gems as:

"Would you like to chat?"
"It seems we live close to each other, let's talk!"
"Your profile brought a smile to my face!"
"Love your smile!"
"Just wanted to say 'Hi!'"
"Wink!"

So, I guess I should be relieved that he complimented me on my pictures and just asked for another, and did not say "Your profile brought a smile to my face!" because that would have just been too much for me to handle. My tolerance for cheesy communication is pretty low.

Guys do too like bitches.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a male friend or relative say "High maintenance girls are THE WORST", I'd have at least $20, and I'd also have to tell each and every one of them they are full of shit.

It's like girls saying they want a nice guy. No you do not. Don't kid yourself! You want a guy who is unpredictable, who adds mystery and intrique to your life, someone who has confidence and maybe a bit of cockiness, someone who will maybe make you worry that you'll never hear from him again. If a guy always calls exactly when he says he will and showers praise on you, you're likely to think he's a bit desperate, or maybe co-dependent. If you don't think this way, then my fears have been confirmed and it is just me. Anyone have a number of a good therapist?

I once read a silly chick-lit book called "Dog Handling". It's a cute book, good for the beach/pool/deck, you know the type. There's a section in the book where one of Liv's (the main character) gay male friends gives a rousing speech on how guys want to be treated. I don't recall it word for word, but basically it said to mess with their minds, or as one review says "treat them like a dog and they'll be eating out of your hand". You know what I did with that page? I dog-eared it (which sounds funny, what with the title and all). That is not nice! I am a nice girl. I shouldn't be using these sneaky tactics. But you know what? Other girls use them ALL. THE. TIME. and it totally seems to work for them. I know guys who are basically shells of their former selves due to a girl's dog handling. It's like the girl has them on a leash with their man-bits (I like to be sort of classy) firmly in their grasp. It's sad when you go on a date with a perfectly nice guy who has clearly been beat down by girls before. A couple signs:

1. You offer to pay for some of the meal, or do the whole "you get dinner, I'll get the movie" type deals, and they are shocked at your offer. They might mention "Wow, I've never been out with a girl who's offered to pay before..."
2. They are blown away you have knowledge about any sport. Apparently since you are female you must only know about make-up, celebrity gossip, shoes, Grey's Anatomy and Martha Stewart.
3. They are surprised/suspicious when you encourage them to hang out with their guy friends. They may feel the need to “check-in” with you hourly when with their friends since prior girls have controlled their every movement and/or did not trust them to behave when left unsupervised.

This is very discouraging! I am an independent girl (which happens by default if you are almost 30 and live alone) and would love to meet a great guy who appreciates I don't "need" a man in my life, I "want" a man in my life. Sure, there are things I take care of that I'd happily let a boyfriend-type take over (i.e. - car maintenance, minor home repairs, etc.), but if there's not someone around, that shit is still going to get done.

I recently gave one of my other single friends (which is officially a rarity now) a gag-book called "Why You're Still Single" It's a funny, tongue-in-cheek book with each category written from a man and woman's perspective. Here's an excerpt from a section that made us laugh out loud, but when we finished laughing we looked at each other and said "Um...uh-oh...". The chapter is titled "You Are What You Hate":

"You know the stereotypes about men. 'He loves his work more than he loves me.' 'He spends too much time with his friends.' 'He's totally selfish in bed.' 'He's emotionally unavailable.' No one is defending this type of behavior, but as we push on into the twenty-first century, it's no stretch to say that if equality between the sexes hasn't yet been achieved, we've surely never been closer. With blurry gender roles, it's no surprise that women are taking on some of the more common and less desirable male qualities. The older you get, the more of a life you build for yourself, the less you're gonna want to give it up. It makes perfect sense. It just sucks to date you now because straight men don't really want to date other men."

Ouch.