Saturday, July 26, 2008

Day 30 - OMG, day 30?!

Okay, so I'm starting to have some fleeting moments of panic. Between wacked-out dreams that are so insane I can't even look up any symbols in my trusty dream book, to waking up with feelings of anxiety, to the fact I do not necessarily deal well with unbounded time, I am starting to freak out a little. Like, what on earth am I doing?! I am unemployed! The thing that makes me freak out most is that I don't really have any desire to care about the fact I am unemployed. How does that happen?! Shouldn't I be worried about wasting my intellect? Or about money? What about people's perceptions of the fact I am unemployed and don't seem to be panicked that I haven't found a new career yet? I mean really.

A month is a long time for some things, like when you are separated from the one's you love, to go without chocolate or cheese or celebrity gossip (trust me, I've done all three, not at the same time, and it's rough), but not long for other things. Job searches generally take somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 - 9 months, from what I've read. While I definitely hope it doesn't take me 9 months to find my next gig, I never thought I'd find something in one month. I've sent resumes, yes, but it's not like I've sent HUNDREDS of resumes. Should I have sent hundreds of resumes? That seems so excessive and...I don't know...desperate? Am I desperate? I am collecting unemployment and following all the necessary steps in order to do that correctly. I have been really, really good about budgeting my money (I bought a really adorable coupon organizer, similar to this one it weird to spend money to help save money? I think it makes sense. It's easier to budget when the things you use to budget with are aesthetically pleasing), I have been eating only my groceries (except for the Monster cookie from Panes Thursday night, but that was a reward for walking home from school), and when I go out, I sort of stick to an amount of money I can spend in one night. Next weekend is a weekend I've been looking forward to for approximately one year, so I want to make sure I am not financially strapped for it.

I want to finally find a job I l-o-v-e. I want to feel as though I'm making a difference in someone's life every time I go to work. Not in a way like "Wow, thanks, you just made money for the company", but in the "Wow, you just saved that person/society at large from a life of angst/disappointment/prostitution/crime/etc". I know how that sounds. I know I'm being a bit dramatic and understand some of you may be rolling your eyes thinking "Look, life is not free, you have to pay bills, and in order to pay bills you must have money. You weren't born in to it, so you have to work for it." I get it. I like to have things, such as concert tickets, handbags, cute coupon organizers, high thread-count sheets, interesting accessories, etc., and know these things are not free. I am not cut out to be a freegan. I travel with my own pillowcase because I don't like putting my face on unfamiliar pillowcases (I think that stems from the skin disease I had when I was younger, or the fact that I am a delicate flower), so I really doubt I'd be a successful "urban forager"/dumpster diver. I get that I have to work, but is it too much to ask that work be fulfilling instead of frustrating?

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